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2 notes Jan 30,
2010
On Babies.
My favourite thing about one of my best friends being pregnant [the first one in my small circle of friends to be babyfied] is that I get to make all sorts of lame, borderline offensive jokes that make only myself laugh.
For example, in the greeting card I gave her at her baby shower, I got to write,
“Congratulations on being pregnant! I hope your baby turns out normal! I can’t wait to be there when you poop your baby out!”
She didn’t read the message in my card out loud to the group of intensely attentive clucky ladies like she did with the other cards she received which was pretty upsetting.
I think that’s my most favourite part about having a best friend who is pregnant. I frequently get to say, “When are you going to poop your baby out?” or “Can I watch you poop your baby out?” and other variations of that question, without causing as much as offense as I would if I were talking to a fetus-carrying acquaintance.
To my friend, I like to tell and re-tell the story about how mothers sometimes inadvertently poop during childbirth. Because of all that straining. She insists that she won’t be one of those mothers but I keep encouraging her to be, for the sole reason that I want to be able to say to her grown child one day, “Did you know that your mum pooped all over you when you came out of her other butthole?!”
I’m reminded of an article I was reading while waiting at the dentist a couple of weeks ago. Some strange article in an old issue of Marie Claire about how, conversely and creepily, some mothers experience orgasm during childbirth. Something about the baby stimulating the right spots upon exiting.
I’m still undecided as to which mother I’d hypothetically like to belong to. Would I rather live a life knowing that, as a newborn, I gave my own mother an orgasm or that I caused her to uncontrollably defecate on my face?
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ABOUT: stuff about me
Hi. I'm Rhea. 27. Web Designer Type Nerd Person. Sydney. This is my place on the internet where I collect internet things. I enjoy boardgames, 3D Magic Eye Puzzles and, piggybacks. Things I like about me: an ability to laugh at myself, my mega memory and, my above average parallel parking skills. Things I like about other people: an ability to make me laugh, a broad knowledge of random trivia and, a willingness to perform full body massages. I like to collect: business cards, records and, chess victories.
I am terrible at: making friends, accepting criticism, accepting praise, not fidgeting and, declining full body massages. I adore: beerguts, buzzcuts, bowlcuts, interested and interesting, hands in pockets, breakfasts in the afternoon, facial hair, metaphors, speech impediments, nostalgia and literacy. I am undecided about: tickling. I believe in: gut feelings, karma, tangents, lust, softness, mistakes, dinosaurs, magic, comfortable silences and most conspiracy theories. I also have a cat named Radioactive Man.
